Wednesday, May 23

Paper cut by Yvonne

My current life is in a ridiculous state, honestly.

A4 sized papers are piling up virtually everywhere-- on the table, off the table, on the chair, on the sewing machine, cupboards, boxes, drawers, shelves, in various cloth bags that I purchased for a dollar in the bid to save the environment by replacing the plastics (I am still using plastics as a result), in school, at the other house and... well you get the idea.

God forbid. I even found three sheets of very important Economics docoument in another pile of mess which does not belong to me. (It would be unfair to say that the owner is in a mess, but very fair to say he is every bit as messy as me. And since similarities might be the criteria for friends, we are friends, but I reckon that two mess does not make an un-mess, so such a complex social relationship will be left for another entry.)

I still remember those times where I could receive these bleached tree products and deal with them in a decisive-once-and-for-all-manner that could be comparable to a powerful executive who has only two choices to make: the papers go to the respective subject files, or to the (recycling) bin.

These days there are still two choices for the papers that come in my way. They still go to paper files that are just too thin hold them (soon enough), but now the second choice ain't the first time I mentioned it-- they don't make it into the bin (or recycling). Now they are chucked aside at various locations, forgotten until the next time I make a feeble attempt to sort the mess.

So its a vicious cycle I swear. Nothing goes into the bin. Nothing. Not even the ass-wipes that deserve a position where all the used sanitary pads, dead flies bodies, and a couple of assortments of tissue papers with nice gooey slime and boogie are.

Even making an effort at certain aspects/areas, helps nothing. Its just like having Michelle Branch stacked nicely on one corner of the table is fair enough, just that it makes Michelle Branch part of the big overall, complicated mess.

And it is not just about the tangible mess, its the reflection of the real mess of a real fucked up, messed up girl, whose bigger sin is the refusal to

Let go of things in general.

Afterall thin, petty things like worthless papers don't really come across as bulky items even when they stack up on you, against you. Throwing one away does not really mean a space for another and so does throwing two away. Throwing a lot away seems a waste... who knows, you might be discarding their whatever potential. Or worse still even if the potential as maxed out its lifetime, and the date today is way, way beyond the expiry date, you might actually think of them one day...

Somehow you find yourself acutally obsessed about making use of whatever you have, no matter how crumpled the paper looks, rather than letting the new in. Its a kind of fear that might place you in the same scenario as your mom persuading you to discard your childhood bolster.

And a kind of hope that only the father of the prodigal son will understand.

And this kind of fear and warped kind of hope is keeping me in or out or whatever.

But after a few reality checks, I do need space to sleep (the papers make rustling noises that are nothing like the rustling of the wild leaves), breathe (didn't anybody told you that kept unopened books keeps dust too?), study (hell, those papers are not giving me a condusive environment, definitely), and play (I slip and fall on random pieces of old receipts).

I started packing again yesterday and I might continue today if my mood permits. Whatever it is, I am going to make space for myself for the rest of the year. I don't know how, but I am ready to be ruthless and give up trash for new stuff that are still coming my way. (May the Lord splurge wisdom on me while I'm on it for the right cause!)

Its the risk that I decided, that I am going to take because it is a risk that I must take.

I must now come first and not them.

And for that record, I am placing them in recycling bins. Who knows? They might be coming back on some Azone recycled shit.

Keeps the hope coming up.